Headed to Texas this morning ...

If you would be so kind as to pray for me. I am NOT a fan of flying at all. Ok, its not the flying part, its the whole crashing part! LOL


And since I am such a worry wart, and I really do LOVE home -- I get a little wiggy with worry for my family.

And pray with so much alone time by mind doesn't battle with me the entire time so I get no sleep.

Arm is still hurting but not excruciating like it was...

Thanks - Love, me.Thanks - Love, me.

Friday ... No answers yet

Visited with the nurse yesterday afternoon, who in turn visited with the doctor this morning. I have to hold my arm up above my head and grab a bar -- I've never had a problem doing that and keeping it there the entire time. Couldn't do it. Had to put it down between treatments and treatments last 10-15 seconds.
No answers really. I did ask if she thought it was cancer in there but she said no. I know, I know. But I AM human and I think I am just getting a tad weary. Ok, a lot weary.

Feeling run down today and not well at all. Supposed to be flying on a plane Sunday morning ... {sigh}... I do not want to go if I am sick. I've scaled back on my vitamins, but I did feel so much better taking them. Or it’s just that I haven't been ill since the first part of April. Cold -- sick, not chemo sick. Still take B17 and the multi vitamins-- but not the rest. I may take them this weekend and Monday and Tuesday while gone to see if it changes how I feel.

Please pray for me. I don't want this cancer back, and the Lord knows that too. I think its all been too much lately. I think our whole family is tired, no, I know our whole family is tired.

Been reading a bunch of thankful posts on Facebook -- and this isn't a slight -- just what goes through my mind. A lot of them have been thanking God for their health. You know .... I did do that. I did it quite often in fact. For my children too. Makes me wonder and questions things with this cancer. But I try to remember, that it could be worse ... so I am thankful for my current good health and IJN it will stay that way for His glory. When I start not feeling well, I get all wiggy about stuff. But ya know, I felt fine when the lump was there. And I was sure it was nothing ... only it wasn't nothing.

I have to stop and thank God for Him healing me completely, 100% in every way. Some day God will use this and show me a touch of the whys.

I did get a great report from the OB/Gyn -- negative for HPV and anything else. That was awesome.

In the meantime -- please pray about this arm pain thing. I wrapped it in hopes that it was pressure inside causing it. (from nodes not draining...) It still hurts -- so I'm not sure that's it. I did move a few heavy things this past weekend but not that much when helping Sarai, but good night! But it could be because of my arm not being well yet. {triple sigh} The nurse questioned lymphodema -- IJN not that at all. But there isn't really noticeable swelling. Just lots of pain and heat doesn't help it. The nurse did tell me to wrap it for the flights. I'll go see a lympodema specialist next week if it’s not better. I'm to baby it for now.

Tomorrow is our anniversary. I have a very good husband. I don't appreciate him enough -- but he's an awesome man. He works hard to provide for our family -- long hours. He has to work tomorrow (of course!)

The puppies are growing and it sure is hard to get good photos of them. Still missing Taco's presence in our lives. But its better. Some things still catch me off guard and I've lost count of the times I've called Mini - Taco!

I go for a treatment today and then I think I will go home and lay down. I have chores to do ... but they probably won't happen, I need to pack for the trip. I have everything work related ready to go -- and probably just need to take it easy tomorrow.  But of course I want to be sure the house is clean and there is food ready for them to eat or Lexi to cook.  I told them I'd give them a list of the things I do everyday to make sure it all gets done.  LOL!  {eyeroll}  So not happening...  thanks for the prayers...

Tuesday

Long day yesterday, doc sent me to be sure it wasn't a blood clot.  Thank the Lord they could not locate any in my arm.  She said your body has been through A LOT.  Wanted to rule that out, which would be the worst thing.  She said it would not be from 3 radiation treatments.  So ... we have no clue.  Possibly still leftover trauma from the mastectomy.  ????  Hurts today but not as bad. Did take a percocet.  Just one.

Work is not good right now.  Please pray for our supervisor, he must be under a terrible amount of stress.  I am thankful for my co-workers and would hate for them to quit over things that have been happening.  Please pray that the Lord turns everything around and works things out. 


Day off tomorrow.  Stephen has school and Josh works.  {sigh}  I plan on going to the Veteran's Day parade.  We need to honor our veterans and military.  We really should support them at every opportunity.

It's been a horrible, terrible, no good week.  Blah.   Puppies are growing, I need to get some photos.  You know how hard that is?  Still missing Taco.  We all are.  It's getting better. 

Made dinner and actually ate some ... now I need to go clean up the dishes.  I dislike dishes in the sink.  Wigs me out.  When we redo the kitchen, we are so getting a dishwasher!!

Can't believe Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here in the blink of any eye...Sarai wants to host Thanksgiving dinner this year.  Should be interesting!!   =)  This starts a new season of life, since Joshua has another family to spend holidays with. 

Off to clean up the kitchen ... on facebook we are counting down to Thanksgiving with thankful posts.  My post for yesterday was I am thankful for my husband, today it was I am thankful for Taco.  No particular order cause I can post quite a few each day ...

It goes without saying that I am thankful for the Lord Jesus Christ, His saving grace and healing power every day and every hour.  And thankful for all of those that pray for me.  Prayer works.

Monday

   I hate blogger.  Just lost an entire post!! Blah.

I took a percocet to take the edge off the pain, it only takes the edge off, it doesn't go away.  I called the nurse and I see the doctor shortly.  She doesn't think it is radiation oriented with only three treatments. 

Trying to get used to the new quietness of the house without Taco.  It's getting better, but we're not there yet.

I'm not sure if it just Taco -- or the accumulation of EVERYTHING this year.  I thought I did pretty well staying strong, trying to be a hero, but I think I've hit my lowest point.  I'm tired.  I'm worried and just plain tired.   It's a constant mental battle.  We've all been getting on each other's nerves at the house.  Taco's death affected ALL of us.  He was just that kind of friend.    Josh came out of the shower yesterday with his eyes beet red.  I asked him what was wrong and he said he got water in them.  Uh yeah, right. 

The menu plan pretty much went out the window last week.  I didn't cook.  Who wanted to eat? 

So, I have some things I can cook this week:  Ravioli, Tortellini Soup, Toasted Ham and Cheese, Breakfast for Dinner, and Tilipia.  We'll see how things roll.

I am scheduled to go TDY next week from Sunday thru Wednesday.  I'm glad to get out of the house for a few days.  Too many Taco memories.  And then they all get a break from me.  I'm grumpy.  Miss him.

Will update later this evening after I get out of the doctor ... IJN things are fine. 

Hurting

Been up most of the night with severe pain in my left arm (radical side) now numbness and loss of strength.  Not sure if we would have went to the ER at 3am -- if anything could be done.  Still debating going.  I don't have a primary care -- what to do?  Your thought?

This week has been BEYOND lousy.

The Tock ...aka Taco

This is blurry because he was shaking his Squeaky!  I was trying to make the bed, and or course, he'd come jump on it. Drove me crazy!  I'd kick him off.  The squeaky worked though, I'd throw it out of the room, he'd go get it.  I'd get some of the bed done and he'd be back ... and I'd throw it again!  LOL!   Fun times.

Isn't he cute?? Yup.

As a pup...

The sweater didn't fit Mini so we put it on Taco and then a pink blanket by the fire!

Poor boy.  He was loved though ... not laughed at!

Before his ears went up ...

He loved his Stephen

and his Mom,

And we loved him.

153

Still have about 6 weeks to go!

Thanks so much.

RIP - Taco

He's sleeping on my lap here ... probably around Christmas time.  I was reading and we all fell asleep.  This picture makes me sad, because I much rather remember him being awake, but this is what he did, hung around us closely.

 

We buried Taco's body last night -- we didn't really bury "Taco" because his spirit will remain alive in our hearts and minds for all eternity, if the Lord allows. Hard, hard, hard. 

Hub built a box to lay his body in -- (yes, I am crazy and everyone wanted him buried more than just throwing him in the ground, well all except hub at the beginning!!)  He deserved that. 

When I found him, I ran in to get a blanket and the first one there was one that I was given after my surgery.  (Sorry Becky!)  It has the words "Covered in God's Grace" embroidered on it.   I think its fitting.  I feel better knowing that his body is nestled in God's care.  Grace is definitely what is going to see us through this.  Anyways, hub said he covered him nicely (I didn't look, I guess after I freaked out on him Monday, he thought it best to make sure Taco was taken care of right!)  Its funny, he made sure to tell me that before I even asked.  He did keep him in a plastic bag, and he said, yes, he needed to be in that too, but I made sure he was covered good.   Yeah, didn't want his wife freaking out on him again. 

We all helped dig the hole.  Stephen was hurting.  Even Lexi said  "Move Josh, I want to help."  Taco was loved.  And we were definitely loved in return, that's probably why it hurts so bad.   Maybe also is because we've never had inside dogs, until Mini and Taco.  They are family.  And I can tell you everything I did during the day and how Taco was a part of it.  That's just the way he was, I'd like to get another dog with his type of companionship, but I'm afraid.  I don't want to hurt this bad again.  Ugh.   I just want to know why.  I'll ask the Lord someday, and hopefully we'll see him again.  I asked hub if there were dogs in heaven, and he didn't see how there wouldn't be animals there... Yes!!!  (Yes, don't go crazy on me, I know they don't  have souls ... souls and their white or blackness put you in heaven or hell... I know that, ok?)

I have been looking for his squeaky toy and when we were all standing around the hole, Lexi said Josh has his squeaky by his bed!   Yeah, Taco was loved.   I think he knew it too.  The reason why is Lexi said Taco is having a blast playing with all those squeakies in heaven!  =)   I have a video of him and dad playing, a little blurry, but if I can figure out how to post it I will.  You'll see his personality SHINE!!

Same day ... him and Mini.  My buds.

Loved how pretty he was ... yes, he had googly eyes and a wandering one but a heart of gold!!

So much thought was taken in figuring out where to lay his body to rest, because if we ever moved, we didn't want anyone disturbing him.  Yes, we are crazy.  Stephen and I decided on in between the trees next to the driveway up to the barn.  We figured no one would need to do anything there.  In the spring we will get one of those good stone benches to put there and get his name engraved in it.  I couldn't see him being buried far away, he needed to be close to everything, since that is what he did during his short life.

Hub told me this morning, ya know you are going about it wrong.  You need to thank God for giving him to you when you needed him most.  I told him OH I DO, been thanking God for him alot.  Hoping and praying I never have to deal with cancer or its treatments again.  But being ill and having him made it easier.  He was a huge comfort to me.  You can not imagine ... and if you can, you can totally feel our (my) pain.

He was a very good friend to me. I just wish he didn't have to go so soon ... it wasn't long enough